Saturday, December 29, 2012

Mood swings.

mood swings
wat r u doing
mood swings
mood swings stahp

But seriously.
I'm quite happy right now. It's strange to say, but I'm never really as happy as I am when I'm sitting alone, drunk in front of the computer. I reckon to most people that would be depressing, but then, most people can't be happy alone.

If there's anyone who's practiced at the art of being happy alone, it's me.

So, you must understand, that it's also kind of frustrating; this happiness. Because not a few days ago I was quite depressed. When your mood is so inconsistent, it's difficult to not think of the worst case scenario: which is to say, it's difficult not to realize in another week I'll be quite depressed again.

And it's very strange to say, but it actually makes me miss the days, years ago, when I was consistently depressed. I've grown much since then, and yet in other ways not grown at all. I suppose I am afraid to step outside of that 'comfort zone' that is depression.

I would like to change my way of living so that this is no longer so. I want to change that inner dialogue, from "You can't, you have failed so many times in the past, and you will fail always in the future."

We always have a choice of how to feel, of how to respond to events in our lives. We may be powerless in every other way, but this small solace at least we have. I must -no, I want- to change my life, the way I perceive and conduct my life.

If there is one thing only, within realistic constraints, that I could do with my life, it would be to make beautiful, lasting, elegant things. I want to make the things that a father is proud to pass down to his child, and  to his child's child. I want to be an artisan, a craftsman.

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