Mood swings.

mood swings
wat r u doing
mood swings
mood swings stahp

But seriously.
I'm quite happy right now. It's strange to say, but I'm never really as happy as I am when I'm sitting alone, drunk in front of the computer. I reckon to most people that would be depressing, but then, most people can't be happy alone.

If there's anyone who's practiced at the art of being happy alone, it's me.

So, you must understand, that it's also kind of frustrating; this happiness. Because not a few days ago I was quite depressed. When your mood is so inconsistent, it's difficult to not think of the worst case scenario: which is to say, it's difficult not to realize in another week I'll be quite depressed again.

And it's very strange to say, but it actually makes me miss the days, years ago, when I was consistently depressed. I've grown much since then, and yet in other ways not grown at all. I suppose I am afraid to step outside of that 'comfort zone' that is depression.

I would like to change my way of living so that this is no longer so. I want to change that inner dialogue, from "You can't, you have failed so many times in the past, and you will fail always in the future."

We always have a choice of how to feel, of how to respond to events in our lives. We may be powerless in every other way, but this small solace at least we have. I must -no, I want- to change my life, the way I perceive and conduct my life.

If there is one thing only, within realistic constraints, that I could do with my life, it would be to make beautiful, lasting, elegant things. I want to make the things that a father is proud to pass down to his child, and  to his child's child. I want to be an artisan, a craftsman.

What happened to me?

I guess people ask themselves this all the time. But it seems awfully early for me, to have a sort of mid-life crisis. I feel like I'm in my mid 30's and I'm only twenty-three.

My life is . . . nothing. I have traded my motivation and passion for survival. It seems as if my bi-polar tendencies have gotten extremely bad as of late, and it's devastating. I'll feel horribly depressed and then rebound, but every time I know that my motivation and energy of the rebound, this idea that I will change my life and become . . . happier, it always fades within two weeks, and I'm left failing yet again.

Of course, every time that happens, every time I experience that disappointment and failure as the manic phase leaves me and the depressive phase takes hold again, I lose more hope. It reinforces this idea that this is all my life will ever be, that there is no escape.

Afterwards it seems pointless to try again. Even if my motivation returns I have nothing to do with it. I am left staring blankly into my computer screen, thinking of something, anything I could do, only to realize that just as soon as it really starts to get going and to take hold, I will fail. Just as I have dozens of times before.

There are so many things I would like to do, but always the glaring problem; I have no money to do them. It takes money to make money, truly. And I know I should get a job, but at this point even if I could with my pathetic work history, I don't want one. Jobs make people miserable. Or at least, they always end up making me miserable.

I don't even feel like I could do it. With every month that passes it feel like I'm losing more and more energy. I can barely function as I am now, and really, that's barely functioning at all. I hate my life, and what I have become.

For the last five years it feels as if I have lost all that I am. I have lost the ability to feel lasting joy, or to feel much of anything at all. I want to die, but I dare not. The thought of what that would do to the people I care about is too much to bear.

What then is left, but to carry on, from day to day, as I have been? I can't do anything else. I don't know how, and I don't think anyone is really in a position to help me, even if I could ask for help. Everyone I know seems to be struggling on in their own silent ways as well.

It seems as if everything is decaying, slowly falling apart, so slow as to be almost imperceptible  It's agonizing and evident everywhere. It's like a machine, and nobody has the money to fix it, so they just keep patching it back together, but it fails more and more frequently. And there's nothing anybody can do.

I don't know if the world really has become like that, or if I'm just projecting my life onto it. Either way I'm sick of it. I'm so terribly tired of waiting for things to finally fall apart. I want desperately to rest. I want to be happy again, to feel passionate about things like I once did.

Now though, it all feels pointless. Pointless and futile to try, wasting what little energy I have left. If I could simply go to sleep and not wake up one day, I would. Life is not so kind and simple as that, though. It forces us to make dreadful decisions. Decisions I cannot make.

I feel so tired, empty, worn out. All those adjectives and more. What to do, what to do? What can be done, but to march on endlessly, without cause or destination, only because I do not dare to stop. I hope that something happens soon, something to give me some reason, any reason at all, to live. Anything that could give me an excuse to wake up tomorrow.
I beg this from the universe. I pray to the empty sky for anything at all; be it death or reason for life. My desperate prayers go unanswered. I am left feeling empty; this is all there is. All there ever will be.
Nothing is coming to save me. There will be no rest or reprieve.

What the hell am I going to do?