(Psuedo-pyschology ;) )
"Why do you want to hurt people?"
I knew, but I didn't want to acknowledge I knew. I didn't want to face the truth of the matter; but she was going to drag it out of me either way. And what did it matter if she knew? Still... I wanted to see if she could drag it out. If I didn't have to admit the truth, then I wouldn't.
"They deserve to be hurt."
"And why do you think they deserve it?" She asked, leaning forward. Feigning interest.
"Because people are fools. If they let themselves be hurt, they deserve it. If someone is stupid enough to send their account information to some prince in Nigeria based off an email, they deserve to lose their money. Why is it any different with what I do?"
She paused for a minute, eying me. I shifted and leaned back, chewing on the hem of my sleeve.
"You deliberately tried to break Steve's heart. Don't you feel guilty for that?"
I flicked my eyes to her and replied,
"You mean, don't I feel guilty about the fact that Steve killed himself because of what I did?"
She didn't answer that one. We sat in silence for a moment before I continued.
"No." I lied. "If he was that weak then he deserved whatever he did to himself. If he was enough of a fucking moron to think I was a good person, he deserved to be hurt."
The shrink looked down at her notes for a minute, then finally back to me.
"I don't think this is about what they deserve."
"No?" I asked, feigning indifference. Here it comes.
"It's about what you think you deserve."
"Bullshit. I deserve what I get just like everyone else."
She shook her head.
"Do you think your parents deserved to die before you could even know them?"
"Well they fuckin' must have, because thats what happened."
"And you?" she asked, "Did you deserve to be left alone? Not just then, but your adoption parents..."
I clenched my jaw and stared at her in anger.
"This isn't about what other people deserve. It's about what you feel you deserve, because life has taught you that you deserve nothing but pain. And that's not true. You hurt other people because it makes you feel like the demon that you think you are. It makes you hurt when you hurt others. I know that being responsible for Steve's suicide makes you hurt."
"That's bullshit." I replied, standing and heading for the door. She'd pushed it too far.
"You don't have to feel like this. You can be a good person. You deserve to be a good person."
"Bullshit." I walked out the door. I knew she was right. I hurt other people because I'd been hurt. I felt like I deserved to be hurt. And fucking with other people made me feel like I really did deserve it. If I didn't before, I did now. Steve proved that much.
