I don't want this life!

I can't find the meaning in anything I do anymore. Used to be I didn't need a reason. I didn't even think to look for one. I miss those days. They were simpler. Ignorance truly is bliss.

But now? Now I am haunted. Haunted by the need for something more. Something to give my life some purpose beyond living for the next day.

I hate this. I don't want to go to a job every day that I hate just so I can have some fucking money for some fucking shiny toys that don't even help me. Just distractions. I don't want my life to become my job. I don't want to be like every fucking person around me!

And yet I envy them. I envy them for the fact that they are distracted by the meaningless, fleeting things of life. I envy their ignorance. I envy their love. I envy their material possessions.
How can you despise something and yet envy it at the same time?

I want love, I want wealth, I want power...
But above all those things I want PURPOSE. I want a fucking reason to live! Because without purpose, love, wealth, power... they are all meaningless.

Just give me a reason to live.

I am losing hope again. I am so, so very tired of living just for the vain hope that something will happen, something will change to make everything better, to make it all bearable, to give everything clarity. Because I am beginning to doubt that that will ever happen.

I can't take this waiting. And yet I do. Endlessly, I do.
Am I just afraid to die? Is fear of death the only thing that keeps my alive? Probably.
And yet death is it's own relief. No more of this insane inanity. I want to escape. I want to rest. To sleep. But more than that I want a reason to live.

That's all I ask for. Just some reason to get up every day, over and over.
People tell me to live just for the experience of living. It's not enough. It only lasts so long. After that, it fades again.

I don't know why I'm alive. And it eats me from the inside out. Just please give me a reason to live. Please.