Daydreaming

I like to imagine I'm laying on a simple, low sitting black couch, perfectly rectangular. In front of it is a black glass coffee table on simple brushed chrome legs, a bottle of rum and a glass on it. On the wall is a huge holograph TV turned to some trade channel, muted. Outside the massive glass panels making up one wall, snow falls on a park twenty stories below. People stroll around under the street lamps, bundled up in coats, hustling from one place to another or just holding hands and strolling. Music flows softly from speakers hidden about the room, barely audible, soft and melancholy. The lights of the TV reflect off a black marble floor. I think about the next haul I should make; amassing wealth for the sake of wealth. Sliding my legs off the couch, I stand, ice clinking in the glass I hold as I make my way to one of the panes of glass and breath against it, condensation forming a small cloud as I watch people leave tracks in the snow. Everything is quiet, clean, just the way it should be. There are no worries about money or health, what lies in the future or where my life will lead those I care about. There is just simple enjoyment in the way things are, and my power to change them or to leave them be, but there is no need for change. Everything is as it should be, but not stagnant and boring.

The fear of evil.

Why do people fear evil? Within all of us is the capacity for evil. Sometimes there is even a desire to do evil. Whether we we curb that desire as a result of some divine presence or biological evolution is irrelevant. For every individual there is an individual definition of what exactly evil is, but regardless, we all have a darkness inside that forces the choice; give in or resist. Many people fear that darkness. They may even fear the choice; perhaps they are afraid that they will make the 'wrong' choice. Certainly we fear evil in others above all else, though. That's what I'm speaking of here; the fear of evil in others. I don't understand that fear, not anymore. Perhaps I once did. Regardless, I don't see the point to it, and it's certainly a very common fear. A fear that envelops our society, our history, our culture. Why? We should fight evil, or what we perceive as evil. We should strive to conquer it in others and in ourselves (Although we can no more eliminate evil than we can eliminate our thoughts and emotions). But fear? What place does fear have in this fight? It's not fear of failure, for it's not really a fight that can be won or lost. The tides can be turned, yes, but ultimate victory can never be achieved for either side. Is it fear of pain, then? No... it's deeper even than that primal instinct. Fear of evil is fear of the night, the unknown shadows that catch the corner of our eyes and cause us to huddle closer around the fire. The only way to conquer that fear is to accept the evil inside yourself, to recognize it's presence and either willfully choose to deny it or to embrace it. I do not think that embracing evil will lead anyone to happiness, but I do think that accepting it and saying "No" allows us to conquer it; for evil's greatest tool is fear. When we learn there is no cause for fear, evil ceases to be anything more than an arbitrary adversary.

Thoughts on Faith.

Religion is often cited as a selfless thing, giving yourself over to god, helping the less fortunate, being an instrument of god (whichever you choose to believe in).

I believe the truth is quite the opposite. I believe that at it's core, religious belief is a very selfish thing. I also believe that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Selfishness has become this evil thing, taboo. Like so many other sociological fallacies, the very idea of selflessness goes against our very nature. I would even go so far as to say it's impossible for a human being to be selfless.

Why do people believe? It provides us with guidance outside of ourselves. Faith allows us to let something else take the reigns of our fate. It allows us to have the cards fall as they may; this can be a source of great relief. It can also be a very dangerous thing.
The problem is that if one puts too much of their life in the hands of 'fate', it can lead to powerlessness. Prayer has it's place, but it never has, and never will, be as effective as action.
An unfortunate side effect of the idea that 'everything is gods will' is that it completely removes the power of the individual.

But I think that this powerlessness, this succumbing to fate, is not an inherent flaw in religion. More likely, it seems to me, that it is the rhetoric of priests and clergy who desire to consolidate power, who want to take the choices away from their flock... the preachers force their faithful to look to them for guidance, and not to themselves, or to their personal relationship with a higher being.

And really, organized religion is the problem. Turning a persons relationship with their god into a social thing, taking something that is individually tailored and turning it into a one-size-fits-all event. Personal belief is a beautiful thing, but organized religion is often merely a tool for the manipulation of others.

Faith is an extremely personal and individualized thing, with each person having a person relationship with their god or gods. To take that unique and special individual relationship and turn it into a social-wide phenomena is a very sad thing.

One of the problems with monotheism is that it can be detrimental to the idea of an individual, tailored faith. In polytheism, the gods are very like humans. They have stories, backgrounds, character flaws. They have families and feuds. For all intents and purposes they are very easy to relate to, to reach.
It's easy to pick one (Or more) god to identify with, to choose to invest your faith in. Monotheism is quite difference; it often features a grand, greater-than-human figure who looks upon us with a mixture of indifference and disdain from on-high. Polytheistic gods walk among us, clad in disguises and testing us, teasing us, learning from us as we learn from them.

The one true god, however, is beyond all of this. He is very difficult to identify with because he is aggrandized. Unapproachable. He is perfect and he will not hesitate to smite you down, into an eternal hellfire, for the littlest of slights. It's very grand and impersonal, frightening even. What it is not, is identifiable.

In the end, however, I encourage everyone to find their own system of faith. Or none at all, if that suits you. I believe that faith should empower you; not the opposite. I believe that faith is best looked at as a business arrangement; in return for your belief, your god offers you guidance and strength. Last and most importantly, I believe your relationship with your god should be a deeply personal and individual thing.
Anyone who presumes to intervene in that personal relationship is trying nothing less than to take the place of your god. To ensure that you come to them for answers, rather than seeking the answers yourself.

I used to have plans.

Ideas of what I wanted to do with my life. Things that I thought I could achieve. Now I know better. I still have my dreams, the things I like to imagine when I lay down to sleep.

Clean. Elegant. Beautiful. Calm and direct and without doubt, insecurity, longing.

The reality is opposite. I try to make it as much like my dream as I can. It's not easy; small things take form that only serve to highlight the stark contrast of what is, and what should be.
There are many things that should be, that are not.

Vague ideas of what it is I want, and the realization that they will never be what they could. Always forced to settle, to make do. What was once a struggle to accept the disappointments of life has now become a quiet resignation, acceptance of the world in the way that it is, and no will to change it. Only to make due with what I have on hand.

There's never enough time, never enough money. The world wears on in a silent grindstone. Hope is discovered to be a false prophet and instead replaced with the unavailable but uncorruptable blind faith. An endless belief that things have to change, and that maybe they will change for the better. Maybe that's what hope is.

I'm tired again, but this time the difference is I try anyway. The knowledge that nothing will change unless you force it to, unless you apply your will. Trying to eke something out because there's nothing else you can do. Trying for the small victories because that's all there is. Feeling that that's all there ever will be.

Tired, but trying anyway because I'm sick of feeling helpless. I don't let myself get very depressed anymore because I got tired of feeling that way. Choosing stubbornness instead. Guess I've forgotten how it is to let yourself feel helpless all the time. It's not realistic. I don't let myself despair anymore because it's not worth the effort.

You let yourself feel miserable and for what? There's no point living like that. It's not logical. Not to say I'm always happy, or even often happy. Most of the time I just get by. Asking myself "What's the plan for today?" and trying to follow it through. If I fail there's always tomorrow.

Honestly, I don't think it's anything more than the fact I just got sick of feeling crappy. Of letting people or events make me feel crappy. I still feel like hell from time to time, or beat myself up. But it's nothing like it used to be. Rarely lasts more than an hour, then I realize that it's really no big deal. Move on, let it go.

If it makes you unhappy then it's not worth your time. Take the sad things, appreciate them for what they let you feel, then move on.

Still struggling to really let myself appreciate the good things. The happy moments. I think I'm afraid to, because they usually lead to disappointment or sadness. I have to learn to just accept the emotions, all off them.

You can't feel the greatest highs if you deny yourself the lows. I'm still afraid of the lows, but less so than I used to be. And I let myself climb out of them now. Didn't used to be that way.

Maybe some day I'll get it right, until then I'll just keep trying from day to day. If I fail one day, there's always tomorrow. The only thing I know is if I give up I'll never even have a chance at getting it right.
Besides, it's something to do.

Clean ALL the things. Twice.

Very few people actually like their jobs. Most people who say they do actually mean "I find this job preferable to other that are available to me."

When people ask me what I do, I reply that I wash dishes. Because I do. But what I should actually say is "People pile shit on me in a chaotic mess while I flail wildly and splash myself with grease-filled water."

Ok... maybe it's not quite that bad. On slow days it can be alright, but on the bad days, it's... bad. On bad days I want to burn and smash and generally act like a rampaging dragon.

It doesn't always start that way. I may clear my head on the bike ride over to work, preparing myself to face the massive, unorganized pile of dishes, silverware, and pans that usually (Though not always) await. I come in, calmly put on my chef's jacket and hat. A soothing song is running through the jukebox in my head.

Then for three or fours hours, no matter how busy it is, I am fine. Until something happens and I just... break. Maybe everyone decided to bring me their closing stuff all at the same time. Maybe there's three guys sitting around the oven, while the timer goes BEEP BEEP MOTHERFUCKER indicating biscuits are done... and none of those three guys can be assed to even turn the timer off. So I have to wash and dry my hands and butter and deliver the biscuits. Rage.

After I break I begin to rage. Except I can't direct that rage at people, so I direct it at inanimate objects. High levels of stress tend to make me kind of punch-drunk, so as I am cursing at the dish machine for cleaning things about as well as a sack of bull testacles, I am laughing my ass off.

That lasts for about two hours. Then I begin to just build a quiet rage. I may slam things. I may have a sudden outburst which I cut short almost as soon as it begins. But I still never direct my rage at a person, just objects. Which makes me seem fucking insane but at least not dangerously so.
Then I go home, clear my head and proceed to drink beer and browse the internet till morning, when I fall asleep.

Thats how my day was! How was yours?

The Government Individual

It's a lot different when you put it in terms of two individuals, instead of a faceless conglomerate and society. The next time someone says government rule is for our own good, tie them to a chair and hold them at gunpoint. Tell them if you don't you can't be sure they won't hurt themselves or someone else.

I burst into your house with an extremely overpriced tactical shotgun, laden with unneccesary gadgets costing thousands of dollars. You rise from your chair, startled, and make a dash to the doorway as I let off a warning shot. A pellet enters your skull and permanantly blinds you. Oops.
As I tie you to your chair, you remember how you loaned me all that money last year to buy that shotgun, and how I never paid you back. Taking your wallet, I pull out the cards and cash and stuff them into my own pocket, to pay for the cost of the shotgun shell and rope.
"What the hell are you doing?" you scream at me "This is my private property!"
I shake my head apathetically, forgetting that you're blind now. Sorry about that.
"Aerial reconnaissance and heat imaging shows you're making drugs and nuclear weapons in your kitchen. For the safety of yourself and others, your house now belongs to me."
You remember how you loaned me fifty grand five years ago for that drone, and how I never paid that back either.
"Thats my oven and microwave, dumbass."
"I say drugs and nukes." I reply smugly.
You say nothing. I take this as an admittion of your obvious guilt.
After I've finished tying you up, I enter your kitchen and make myself a sandwhich. As an afterthought, I grab a bandaid and plant it over the hole the shotgun pellet left in your head. That's my job too, afterall.
After a while, you ask me why I've come.
"To protect you from yourself, of course." I reply with a full mouth. Particles of bread spray from my mouth and land on your cheek.
"What the hell do you mean? I was doing just fine. Then you burst in the door and now I'm blind and tied to a chair."
"Oh sure," I reply, "You WERE doing fine. But sooner or later you were going to hurt yourself, or someone else."
"Thats rediculous. I'm a grown man. I can take care of myself without your help!"
"It's for your own safety." I admonish, my voice chock full of sincerity. You start to struggle in your ropes, and I call my bodyguard to watch over you while I head to the drug store. You remember how you loaned me the money to afford the bodyguard, and buy majority stock in the drug store. I never paid you back.

Two days later I return with sedatives and give them to you. You lay back complacently as I turn the TV on to a news program warning of the danger that your neighbour could be cooking meth in their kitchen, followed by a picture of you. Drool slowly drips from the corner of your mouth, and I gently wipe it away with the hem of your shirt. Thats my job, afterall.
Deciding that you need a higher standard of care, I take a loan out on your house (You would remember how you loaned me money to save that bank from imminent failure, but your lights are out) and buy you a neck pillow. I take the rest of the money and use it to buy myself another bodyguard.

As we grow old together, I take more and more loans out on your property to pay for your care. After a few decades I've got a dozen more bodyguards, and have upgraded from sandwhiches to filet mignon. You've gotten stronger rope and five more neck pillows.
Eventually you die, and I sell your worthless property to some poor sap. Taking my bodyguards, I head over to your daughters house. Aerial reconnaissance recently showed she was cooking drugs and making nukes in her kitchen.

Pew pew

A thousand lives as tithe he claimed,
A battle won by lust.
No mercy given to those that day
Whom Shadow they called foe.

For darkness set, will darkness breed
Into the heart's fragile keep.
And when that kingdom's twilight sets;
A Shadow shall they behold.